Can you spell s.t.r.e.s.s.

College is not for the poor...or the rich!

well well well

I'm starting to see the bigger picture....Everything is soooo much clearer now.

and tell me why???

I was driving I had my friend with me. I was like I should show you Eric's car. (he got it painted because his girlfriend scratched it up)
"That's him in front of us!!!" i said.

it looked like he was in the car alone.

"he in there by his self," Brittany said.

and as she said that we saw a head pop up.

what!! blow job!! lol

get some brain in the front seat of the Hummer, huh? lol

Flashback #2: I love Eric

I was just thinking, remembering when I actually liked Eric and he felt the same way about me.

I was at the park with my friends and he was there. He gave me his number. I didn't call.

I saw him at the park and he was flirting. I didnt think much of it.

So one night I was at the park me and my friends and he was flirting MAJORLY.
It was still kinda cold out side so I had on a jacket and my skull and bone scarf that I always wear and it was hanging outside the bottom of my jacket.
He was pulling on it.

"I thought that was a belt," he said
Then he started going in my jeans pockets (can you say free fills lol)
Of course I flirted back because I alllwwwaayyysss liked him.
So me and my friend was talking about how we be at the club.
"Brooke always doing that little roll, do yo roll for Eric," she said pretty much instigating.
"She scared of me"
"I am not scared of you"
He kept putting his fingers in my belt loops. We was all hugged up and everything.
I just wanna cry now remembering.

Like one time we were at the park. He was checking me out looking me up and down. He always say stuff like I'm skinny.
"I be back"
"Where you going?" he asked.
"I'm hungry. I'm about go home and eat a fork of spaghetti," I said joking but I was serious.
"Naw folks you need to eat more than that. Eat a couple plates."
"Whatever," I said as I walked off smiling.
I looked back giving him the "eyes"

When I came back he was driving back into the park and stuck his tongue out at me and I did it back
OMG!!! I loved that boy crazy!

After the night of flirting I felt confident enough to call him up. I think it was like the next day or a few days later or something.
I was sitting in my moms car and I called him.

"Hello," he answered.
"Hey Eric, what you doing?" I was nervous as hell.
"Nothing"
"you know who this is?" I asked already knowing the answer, no.
"naw who is this?"
"Its Brooke."
"Brooke? Where I know you from?"
"WHAT?! You dont know me now. Its Brooke," I couldn't believe my ears. What a slap in the face!
"Naw I dont remember no Brooke's," he said.
"IIght let me call you back," i hung up.

I know that did not just happen. Was what I was thinking. How could he.
He called back. I had a special ring tone for him and my heart dropped when I heard it.
I didnt answer. I was pissed. So he called again. Yea I smiling from ear to ear. He must had something he really wanted to say.

"Hello," I answered.
"Man I was just playing with you why you hang up," he said. I was sooooooooo relieved.
"I said I was gone call you back," I said knowing I was never calling back.
"What you doing?"
"Nothing. Ain't nothing to do."

I really don't remember everything that was said but I do remember this.

"Well just call me when you free"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! the ultimate scream

"ok"

I was tooooo excited.

Soooo I saw him at the park again. His best friend was going to the store.
"Y'all want something?" his friend asked.
"Yea A bottle of Evian?" I was just shouting out stuff, "and a honey bun."
"I got a honey bun for yo ass," Eric said.
"Shut up," I said.
All day we kept saying little stuff like that to each other. I teased him about him playing basketball and he teased me about being skinny.
Can you say grade school flirting.

So I dropped my friend off at home and called him
"Why you leave us?"
"You still at the park?" he asked
"yea, and you just left us"
"You still at the park for real," he asked
"no I'm just playing, I just dropped Brittany off at home"
"What you about to do?"
"Nothing ain't nothing to do"
"yea its not nothing to do"
"that's cus you boring," i said joking
"naw yall the ones who dont drink."
"Yea I dont have to do that stuff to have fun"

and we talked and talked. I kept cracking jokes because that me! lol

"Im about to call Mike and see what he doing,"
"iight"

Oh yea
"I guess I'm about to go in the house," i said.

we kept saying stuff like that but neither one of us initiated that we should kick it. It was like we were waiting on each other to say it.
So I was driving down my block and I saw him turning the corner. If only I was a minute or two early.

Now the fairytale...or love story is over. I really like him and wanted to be with him. I really wish I coulda been his girlfriend. But now that a never happen so I'm trying to get over but I just start to remember everything. I really don't feel like typing everything that happened. I will finish one day. Eric and I always get into some type of drama together. I just wonder what the future holds.

GOD please no more bad luck, and drama, just goodness!

How to deal

with STRESS

ok i pretty much zoned out since yesterday. i haven't talked to my friends in days and the keep calling. I really just wanna block all communication from the outside world. Sit around in this house and rot to death. Just my luck huh? No school! WHY MEEEEEEE

ok breath

soo i wrote a song last night. tried to record it today and hated how it sounded. I just cant get into it and its pissing me off!

now I dont know if I should call my friends back or not.
cus i really dont wanna talk about it

Im trying to hold it in. I say to my self "stop being a cry baby, dont cry, dont cry"
but i really want to go back to school.

now im waiting on a miracle

DONATE TO THE POOR!! ME!!!

lol! im serious

College Cry Baby

How could this happen to me now?

I got on the computer to check my loan status. School starts in two weeks and I'm still not registered for class. I was waiting on my loan.
I wasnt apporved. This is the third time I tried to apply and I thought with the co signer I had I would get the loan.
I sat in the bathroom for about 15 minutes, crying asking why, when I want to be in school soooo bad. I would still be in the bathroom right now if my little sister didnt come knocking at the door. This is sooo stressful. My parents want me in school but they are not supporting me finacialy. They say the dont have the money. Finacail aid didnt give me much. I guess my mom makes to much. I cried. I cried and I meant it. I really wish I could go to school this semester. I would like to think that God has something better in store for me but thats the same thing I thought the last semester I took off. Its meant for me to be in school I know it. What else am I suppose to do with my life if not school?
College is very expensive. Tooo expensive for no reason really. I just really wanna go back. My major is Journalism. Yeaa I like to write. It just hurts soo bad when you cant get something you want. Some kids wish they never had to go to school and here I am begging to go. All I need is a reason for this happening. A lesson. I dont know. Now my eyes are burning for crying soo hard. My plan is to hide. Stay locked up in this house. Study nothing. Whats my next move? I wish I knew. I guess its just not for everyone. I went 1 semester and it just seems like its not meant for me to go back but now my heart is hurt because I wanna go to school sooo bad.

:(

just to keep you updated

Lilly is sooo cool

nothing really has been going on

well i did talk to Anthony last night

he was tweaking like really kept saying things like

"thats how you gone do me?"

"you acting a fool"

"now you gone act like you dont know what I'm talking about like you dont know whats going on"

I was laughing sooo hard b'cus I had no idea what he was talking about and he was soooo serious

like whats up with that

-I talked to Happy today

-I got a HUGH crush on Zac Efron
-I am like sooo jealous of his relationship with Vanessa
-Who ever thought High School Musical was gonna be such a hit. and who would have thought that I would actually have a HUGE crush on ZAC!!!

Bordem

There is nothing to do today
I'm super bored and drowsy


Well Anthony tried to talk to another friend of mine.
I'm not impressed.

but

I do wish that i could find love.
A guy thats perfect.
That takes me places
buys me things
expresses his love for me
thats honest
and loyal
some one that im very comfortable around
thats tough but sensitive
that understands that the world revolves around Brooke lol
that loves me much
that i can sit and watch 100 movies with and never get bored
that i can be on the phone with for hours saying nothing
thats not only out for sex
someone who is religious
some one who has morals
thats smart and RICH!! lol
that understands that family comes first
thats mature
and very attractive

Dirty Rumors

Every time I think its over something new comes up

Now

Anthony this is what Anthony told me last night

"Brooke you know Eric looking for you," he laughs.
"Yeah he looking for you too," I said pissed.

"Naw, naw for real. I was with the guys today. They crazy. You 'posed to had fucked Eric," Now I was just shocked.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, you 'posed to had fucked Eric and Happy," I couldn't believe my ears.

"yea he looking for you. He said he need to talk to you."

How did this manage to happen. I bet it was all Anthony's doing because Eric would never spread a rumor like this. For me and him not to even talk to each other we get into a lot of drama together. Its almost like we might as well mess around since that is what is being said.

AMAZING

My Decision!

Ok

-I decided to not take Anthony serious anymore.

-He texted Ciara saying you never have time for me Like WHAT THE FUCK!

-He really needs to get it together.

-So I'm not going to worry about disrespecting him by being we other guys {his friends for example}

-I'm learning to let alot of things go and to not settle for less

-So losers don't even try

-Anthony just called me twice. I didn't answer

-I cant talk to him everyday

plus when I'm mad at him and I talk to him I seem to forget that I was even mad.

-He's no good for me.

My cousin who betrayed me

Ok I have a cousin who betrayed me now the whole family disowned her {can you say MAFIA she's lucky shes still alive..lucky this is not the Sopranos LOL}

Well Everything I like she likes because shes a follower.

So its this guy that's hot. She likes him only because I do.

I seek revenge yes...

so just wait to she see me riding around with him in his car! YAY!

I'm Like Hot Chick that you can't even touch!!

Uffie so Cool

I'm a movie Junkie!!

Well Today I Watched

Mr. and Mrs. Smith {my fav!!}

I think I love my wife {So funny!}

Black Snake Moan {GREAT!}

Roll Bounce {Bow wow is sooo HOT!}

Learned from the Big Screen

"You lose money chasing women but to never lose women chasing money" Just a quote that I remembered for I think I Love my Wife. This movie helped me understand to stop looking for all the flaws in a relationship and be happy with what's there. Everything is not what it seems. You may be with your boyfriend and meet another guy that's just HOT but is he really worth losing someone you shared almost everything with???

Black Snake Moan was a very interesting movie. Its kind of funny because even though I'm a virgin I think that I'm going to be a sex addict and that's like my biggest fear! Just remember take control because you're the only one that's in control of yourself.

Call me crazy but I've always wanted to have a huge fight with my boyfriend like in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Wouldn't that be hot? Ok I know I'm not like the only one who feels this way. This movie is so hot. Maybe because Angie {that's what I call her} and Brad are like the sexiest people in HollyHell {that's what I call it}. I'm like Angie's biggest fan and honestly I get some of my swag {personality or COOLness} from her. This movie is clearly the best. Who wouldn't want to be a hot assassin and fight off bad guys with a sexy guy like Brad Pitt on your side. Next relationship I'm in has to be kick ass like this one! Bonnie and Clyde or Mr. and Mrs. Smith either way love is war and I got a few ex's who ass I wanna kick just like in this movie. Just imagine the sex after a fight like that. Tantalizing.

I simply enjoy this fun film. It just makes me want to put on some roller skates and get on the floor even though I might fall flat on my butt. Bow wow did good. I really think in Roll Bounce his performance was at its best. I love this movie plus I met like half the cast, well the guys at least, and I actually dated one of the guys. Bet you a never guess who?? {HAHA} I'll never tell!

by the way Anthony just called like 10 times

JERK!

Update!!

OK
Remember the crazii night and Anthony's ex-girlfriend??
well she busted his car windows out that same night. So now he's like missing all of his windows
GREAT!

I wanna kick her ass but I'm not going to feed into that.
Well me and Anthony is talking again!!
GREAT!!

I went outside with Happy last night. I love that guy. He's such a bad guy lol.
Either he doesn't know about what happened between me, Anthony and Eric or he's just playing it off real good because they all live in this neighborhood and they are all friends. {that sucks!}

Oh yea I'm really changing my name.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?!

Well I went to the movies to see Rush Hour 3 so my phone was on silent.
I saw I had 4 missed calls all from a private caller.
I instantly thought KEISHA!
but it was a girl and this is what she said

"Bitch I found your number in my mans phone, he got all type of stuff dumb bitch he got aids and you gone die too hoe"

Well luckly I'm a VIRGIN.
but like who calls a random girl in her boyfriends phone and says he has aids and why is she even with him???

so not cool

To top it off she didnt leave her name or his
Like WTF

he could be anybody and so could I

it didnt sound like Keisha

I laughed at the whole situtaion because I have so much drama going on at once right now and its crazii.

I really wanna know who the guy is so I can know NOT to hook up with him.

This is just all to much.

And it could be anybody. A guy I never talked to that had my number for years. I told Happy I told Anthony... I dont think its them anyways but I guess i'll find out

This is just GREAT!

ok
remember Eric??

yea well his girlfriend cussed him out because..me I guess.
"Where Anthony been at?" his girl asked him.
"I saw him last night with two girls," Eric answered her.
"Who?"
"I don't know the girls. Why?"

So Ciara told her it was me and her.

"I asked about Anthony, he told me he saw him," Eric's girl friend Keisha told Ciara.
"Yea me and Brooke was with him," Ciara told her.
"That's why he didn't wanna tell me who Anthony was with because of Brooke. I heard from people that she be looking for him," Keisha told her.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?!
How did my name get in this??????
GREAT!

Anthony called me to tell me that Eric woke up with missed calls and voice mails and it was Keisha calling cussing him out talking about..

"So you was with Brooke last night. Y'all hung out."
Supposedly, Eric tried to hook up with me.
Never happened
Supposedly he hopped in the car and we all got drunk
Never happened
We didn't even look at each other let along HOOK UP.
Impossible

How did I manage to get in that. I haven't seen or talked to this guy in months and I know him just like I know everybody else off the strength that we all went to school together.

I really hope that they don't break up over such a misunderstanding.
Because I heard that they had a big fight. BIG FIGHT

but I'm changing my name because I don't wanna be in nothing else.
God please help me!
these people are insane

Love is a Losing Game

I woke up yesterday morning with lots of missed calls and voicemails. I talked to Anthony he wanted to know if it was really over. Deep down inside I didnt want to let him go. I love him too much but I know that if I stick around the drama is only gonna get worst. He told me that he couldnt lose me. He said he just couldnt take that lost.

He kept asking me "is this the end, so its over" and I never answered so he knew that I didnt want to end it. So he started asking me to make it official.

"Whats the difference from being girlfriend and boyfriend and what we have now," he asked me.
"Nothing," I answered him.
"Exactly," he responed back.

Then I dont know how we got to this point but he was like ok I cant keep doing this. Then he asked me if he could talk to my friend. MY FRIEND. the girl we were with last nigth, Ciara. He told me he liked her and if he could have sex with her and would every thing between me and him would be the same.

A while ago he asked me the same thing and I hooked them up but at the time it didnt matter that much to me then but it still did because how could he do something like that to me if he cared about me sooo much. I told him he could but it hurt me. He told me he need a girlfriend he's not gay and I guess since I wasnt trying to be it he was gone go to her.

He told me he would do anything for me and I know every word of that was true and I would do anything for him but as much as he loves me he destroys me at the same time. I never had heartbreak the way I have it now almost to the point where I want to call him and say lets be together. I thought I had never been inlove but now I know I've been inlove the whole time. I never felt heart ach before and now I feel it for someone that I thought was really nothing to me.

As much as it hurts I gotta let it go. Its eating me up inside that he would even do that to ME. I know I'm wrong too but just like I asked him how would he feel if I hooked up with one of his friends. I'm almost to the point where I just want to delete all the number out of my phone and start new. Its almost impossible for me not to talk to him or have him in my life because he is a big part of me. Hopefully just like all the other times we end up friends again because I love him soo much.

What a night

Ok
I was with Anthony last night and he really pissed me off. I really care about him and I know he a do ANYTHING for me but I just can't commit. He wants a relationship but I'm just not sure if I can give him that.

Last night was soooo crazy. First him and his friend came and got me and we went and pick up my friend. Its like she has a super guard up. She don't even wanna talk to new guys. He was just asking for her name and stuff and she wouldn't even took at him. so we took her back home after they cussed her out and went and got my other friend.

We rode around went and bought something to drink.

At the liquor store..
Anthony's friend Benny went and bought us something to drink. So we pull up in this lot and we all just got drunk... Anthony threw the bottle out his sunroof and broke his back window out.. Can you say DRUNK. We had to go to the gas station and vacuum all the glass out.

Now we riding around without a back window.
I'm driving and Anthony's ex-girlfriend pull up on the side of use and says "HEY BOO," to him like I'm supposed to be mad. But what pissed me off is that she called his phone, left 3 voice mails saying that I'm a fourth grader..GREAT!
I was ready to fight

We go back to the liquor store and see his friends Eric and Isiah.
I got mad because he told Eric that I had been looking for him all day. I had been asking about him. I was pissed. Plus he called me a bird! great!

We leave them me and Anthony are still arguing. My friend is driving his car now. i go home.

He called my phone at least 30 times last night or more. Left 6 voice mails.

He told me he really wanna be with me, he loves me, and all this stuff. Im thinking to myself I can not forgive him this time but its like im just to attached to him.

so i put my phone on silent and woke up with missed calls and voicemails. He wanted to know if I was serious about what I had said the other night. I told him we were over and I wasnt gonna talk to him anymore..I'm too attached!

Just thinking......

Last night as I was driving I saw Trey standing outside.

I started to remember when I didn't like him.

I'm just the type of person that hates to put myself out.

It may not seem like a big deal to other people but it is to me. It took alot for me to let him know I was even interested in him. I'm a person with alot of pride and I let that go for him.

I started to realize that maybe my standards are to high but then again I have alot of confidence and I hate guys that lack that. I'm starting to set new goals for myself and not even get involved with guys that are a waste of time. I'll keep the old ones around for a while but no new low-life's.

I'm starting to think that guys are really intimidated by me. I'm not like other girls I'm kinda conservative if that's what you wanna call it. I do flirt alot, I like to have fun, and be the center of attention but I'm very mature about things. I don't smoke, drink or hook up with random guys. I'm smart I have a future and guys are intimidated because they feel that they are not good enough for me. I just want somebody who cares about me, that's as romantic as I am and sees a relationship as more then just sex.

I have always had guys knocking at my door, just not the ones I want.

Flashback #1: Kiss and Don't Tell

Ok

While I was still in a "relationship" with Larry I hooked up with this other guy, Curtis*. My friend and I were having movie night. He called my phone and asked if he could stop by so me and my friend went outside to talk to him. It was him and his 2 brothers anywayz we were talking all hugged and stuff.

Then they suggested we sit in the car since it was like the winter time.
Why did I get in that backseat with him???

He kept kissing on me. So we ended up making out and just a little more. Then he asked me to come to his house. NO!

He knew I had a boyfriend and I later found out that they knew each other. They only lived a few blocks away from each other and went to elementary school together. HA!

I only felt bad because that was the first time me and Curtis kicked it and here I was having a major make out session with him and couldn't even kiss my own boyfriend.. *confused*


I still talk to Curtis now. Why????


oh yea and by the way we were in a truck and one of his brothers was in the truck watching us and my friend and his other brother was in the front seat arguing.

Facebook: Trey

OK
I am like so not tripping right now..but I did send him a message liked he ask for and he did not reply..and yes he has been online

he hates me *tear*


but meanwhile...
I love Brandon Hines music..its like his voice just relaxes me and I feel as if I'm in heaven {I know I'm a dork} I forget about all of my problems. I LOVE HIM!!

Just a few things that I'm tired of waiting for....

Trey.
Well for starters I still haven't replied to Trey and I'm ready to start something with him {friendship or relationship} NOW!

For guys to give up
Well at least this guy that likes me. Evertime he asks why we are not together I tell him. He just don't take NO! for an answer.

Real love.
I have never been in love. EVER.

My real life to start.
This just can't be right. This can't be life. To much war not enough love.

The perfect love song
There are many songs that I relate to and sounds as if they were written for me but I wish there was just one song that said it all.

My prayers to be answered.
Everynight I pray of course. and there is something I always ask for and I have been asking for this everysince I was 10.

Comments!!!!
lol yea what does it takes to get a few comments on here. Guess I'm not that interesting.

Confusing && Celebs they remind of

Ok Trey responded...and now I don't know wat to do. I'm so effing confused. I'm scared to tell him, childish of me right?

I just like him soooo much that I don't want nothing to mess it up. Like what should I send him? Like what should I say?

This sucks! Majorly!


These are some celebs the guys remind me of:

Larry reminds me of Chris Brown

Happy reminds me of Young Jeezy or Gucci Mane lol

Trey reminds me of Brandon Hines

Ok I talked to Anthony today and my feelings for him is still not as strong as they use to be. I really feel that I cant trust him and I feel that maybe if I wasn't involved with him then I wouldn't have alot of the problems I have now. But how do I let him go?

Lyrics to listen to and understand

"You need to get if he don't wanna, Love you the right way He ain't gonna"

from Let it go by Keisha Cole

Facebook Honesty Box: Trey {Can you say impatient??}

Ok I admit I was a little impatient. Ok i was totally bugging. Trey responded FINALLY, and made my day!!

his response!!!!


Trey
send me a message 2 my inbox. all this mystery is pointless



Cool beans!! I feel relieved now

Now lets see how far this goes...knowing my luck {nowhere} but I'm going to stay positive because I'm AWESOME!




Happy Birthday Atta!!


Maybe he really is my Superman!
Ha!

Facebook Honesty Box: Trey

Ok there's this guy that I really like. He raps and I always like his music and a friend of mine is friends with him. One day I was with my friend and we went to Trey's*, the guy I like, barber shop. That was my first time seeing him in person and that was like 3 months ago & every since then I cant stop thinking about him.

He has a Facebook page and as soon as he got a honesty box you better believe I was sending him anonymous messages.

and this is our exact conversation.....

you
can u be my superman?

Trey
depends on who it is

you
you wouldn't be disappointed

Trey
why dnt u tell me and find out, cuz I might wnt u 2 be my superwoman.

You
yeaa but if i told you, you still wont know who i am since we only saw each other once

Trey
how long ago?

Trey
u still should tell me cuz I prolly do kno who u are

you
ummmm it was like in June I think....... you know a friend of mine

Trey
wut friend?

you
this guy that live around me...i dont kno if i should tell you because it might be a give away

Trey
it bein a give away would be a good thing. cuz then we can possibly work toward me bein yo superman....

you
well you kno 2 people i kno DJ* and Waterboy*...my friends use to talk to them but that dont really matter cus all i wanna do is get to know you



like where did i go wrong. I knew I shouldn't have told him who the guys were. Its been like 3 days and he still haven't replied back (bummer!), and yes I have been really bitter about it because I REALLY like him.


*Real Names have been changed

Intro

1:39am. I close my eyes and think about my day. The only thing that seems to cross my mind is how much I want to be with "him" and how much I wish "the one" I am with was "him". The only way for me to get this off my chest and stop letting is stress me is to blog it.

I'm 19 years old, freshly, and my last "relationship" ended in December, He cheated. I never had strong feelings for him so it only hurt because I thought that I was the greatest thing, guess not.

Let's Get To Know The Guys

Larry*
Well I met him over the net to start with. That was in like 2003. I thought he was really cute and we started talking. It never got anywhere until recently. We got back in touch over Myspace in the summer of 2006 and jumped right into a relationship (I must have been bored). I knew he was a male whore but I didn't really have intentions on having sex with him seeing that I was (or still am??) a virgin at the time. For some reason I couldn't kiss him (virgin lips also). We went through alot because alot of my friends know and HATE him but we stuck through it. He was the biggest freak! Sex addict! and here I am little miss Virgin Mary. He cheated I found out over Facebook and I broke up with him. Now he's engaged and under aged (Better her that me! :) !!)

Happy*
I met him while I was dating Larry. It was just one of those summer nights. I was hanging out with his friends and he liked me. I gave him my number and from then on we have been together (not in a relationship). Its been over a year now and I have strong feelings for him but something is missing. Plus he's a rebel without a cause. Can you say GANGSTA?? My parents would just die. He is the only guy I feel that I can trust (and I have HUGH trust issues).

Anthony*
I've know this guy since elementary school. He has been through alot and I care about him. He keeps me laughing but I don't feel I can trust him at all. He's immature, (huge turn-off) but for some reason I can' t leave him alone but since today my feelings for him is at an all time low low. He will probably do anything for me but he surrounds himself with prostitutes literally and he feels that most girls are whores (maybe that's why he's so attached to me because I'm not). Oh yea he is like best friends with Happy and that SUCKS!


Since 2007 started I've been through hell. There are soooooo many other guys and love mistakes its almost unbelievable. My life is a love song rather is a good in love forever song or cry for days eating gallons of ice cream love songs.



*Names have been changed