fuck love, i'm tired of trying.

I Hope He's Not Reading This

My last post is almost funny to me now that I've known him for 4 months. Well feelings are still the same. I still like him much...even tho u hated him for like 2 weeks. Its like when I'm ready he's not and vice versa. I'm thinking we should just have sex already and see if the feelings are still the same. Seems like a simple solution right? or a dumb one? Worth a try. He clearly Googled me, that's why i'm hoping he's not reading this. I havent heard from him since early this morning....so unlike him.... The other day he told me he talked to other girls, even though he had a new opened box of condoms in his room, I didn't believe him. Until yesterday, when I didn't hear from him till 4 a.m....and not at all today. Dont try to fucking play me Lincoln.

White Boy

Well he's not the first white guy that I've dated but he's the first one that I liked this much. Him being white is not an issue, me moving super fast with him is. I've known him for a month now, and I've almost had sex with him twice. I like him. I'm not sure why but maybe he feels the emptiness that i've been feeling most of my life. I just feel loved when I'm with him. I don't know his intentions. Is like I'm sitting in a freezing room, and there's a dirty blanket in the corner. I don't want to use the dirty blanket because of its filth but I do and it warms me up. It feels so good that I forget about the filth. Its kind of like that. That he gives me the intimacy i need so i forget that he's not on my level. Like he lacks in everything else except passion and intimacy. He's caring too can't forget that. It's like he makes me forget about all his flaws and I always forgive him. I love him. I miss him. I need him. I want him. I wish I could lay with him every day and night. My family disapproves. He smokes weed everyday and lets not forget the other drugs he uses. He's cheap. That's one thing I can't deal with. We almost had sex in his moms bed. I wanted to but I couldn't. Soooo many things were running through my head. We kissed. 2nd base.....thats it. I felt so bad when I stopped it because I felt as though I lead him on but I couldnt do it. I was laying there kissing him with my eyes closed thinking about how I got into this situation and how I would get myself out of it. I was supposed to go over there today but my period came. Message from the gods? idk

WHYBAML

Its been such a long time since I've posted. So many things have changed in my life. I can't even begin to tell the stories of my life. It would take forever. I could leave off where I started and start new. Well as for Mikey, thats sooooo over. LONG OVER. He completely disappeared. Then I found him on Twitter and he's apparently dodging child support. Probably not but he changed his name and everything. I missed him soooo much. Thought about him, then someone retweeted him and thats how I found him! CRAAAAzy. I'm still a sucker for love. Kinda. I'm not able to fall in love fully. I have scars. I met a guy on an online dating site, Doctor. That's his profession. I haven't told anyone his name in fear that I will be cursed with the, "it didn't work out" curse. So far so good, but not really. Our first date was a lunch date. I left my internship and met him for lunch. LIKE at first site! He told me how he's traveled the world and we share the same religion and beliefs. We had so much in common yet we're so different. He went to Italy that week for 2 weeks. He kept in contact with me via email. When he got back we went to a tapas reasurant and to a bar. We kissed! WHYYY did I do that. We had like a full make out session in his car! WHYYYY did I do that!? Whore. but not really. We've been on...about....5 dates now. No progress. He works all the time! I understand, but we could still make progress. I'll wait. Oh, I hooked up with this guy I've know for 4 years. Ford, yeah, at my sister's friend's hotel party.....in the bathroom. FML Tragic.