fuck love, i'm tired of trying.

I Hope He's Not Reading This

My last post is almost funny to me now that I've known him for 4 months. Well feelings are still the same. I still like him much...even tho u hated him for like 2 weeks. Its like when I'm ready he's not and vice versa. I'm thinking we should just have sex already and see if the feelings are still the same. Seems like a simple solution right? or a dumb one? Worth a try. He clearly Googled me, that's why i'm hoping he's not reading this. I havent heard from him since early this morning....so unlike him.... The other day he told me he talked to other girls, even though he had a new opened box of condoms in his room, I didn't believe him. Until yesterday, when I didn't hear from him till 4 a.m....and not at all today. Dont try to fucking play me Lincoln.

White Boy

Well he's not the first white guy that I've dated but he's the first one that I liked this much. Him being white is not an issue, me moving super fast with him is. I've known him for a month now, and I've almost had sex with him twice. I like him. I'm not sure why but maybe he feels the emptiness that i've been feeling most of my life. I just feel loved when I'm with him. I don't know his intentions. Is like I'm sitting in a freezing room, and there's a dirty blanket in the corner. I don't want to use the dirty blanket because of its filth but I do and it warms me up. It feels so good that I forget about the filth. Its kind of like that. That he gives me the intimacy i need so i forget that he's not on my level. Like he lacks in everything else except passion and intimacy. He's caring too can't forget that. It's like he makes me forget about all his flaws and I always forgive him. I love him. I miss him. I need him. I want him. I wish I could lay with him every day and night. My family disapproves. He smokes weed everyday and lets not forget the other drugs he uses. He's cheap. That's one thing I can't deal with. We almost had sex in his moms bed. I wanted to but I couldn't. Soooo many things were running through my head. We kissed. 2nd base.....thats it. I felt so bad when I stopped it because I felt as though I lead him on but I couldnt do it. I was laying there kissing him with my eyes closed thinking about how I got into this situation and how I would get myself out of it. I was supposed to go over there today but my period came. Message from the gods? idk

WHYBAML

Its been such a long time since I've posted. So many things have changed in my life. I can't even begin to tell the stories of my life. It would take forever. I could leave off where I started and start new. Well as for Mikey, thats sooooo over. LONG OVER. He completely disappeared. Then I found him on Twitter and he's apparently dodging child support. Probably not but he changed his name and everything. I missed him soooo much. Thought about him, then someone retweeted him and thats how I found him! CRAAAAzy. I'm still a sucker for love. Kinda. I'm not able to fall in love fully. I have scars. I met a guy on an online dating site, Doctor. That's his profession. I haven't told anyone his name in fear that I will be cursed with the, "it didn't work out" curse. So far so good, but not really. Our first date was a lunch date. I left my internship and met him for lunch. LIKE at first site! He told me how he's traveled the world and we share the same religion and beliefs. We had so much in common yet we're so different. He went to Italy that week for 2 weeks. He kept in contact with me via email. When he got back we went to a tapas reasurant and to a bar. We kissed! WHYYY did I do that. We had like a full make out session in his car! WHYYYY did I do that!? Whore. but not really. We've been on...about....5 dates now. No progress. He works all the time! I understand, but we could still make progress. I'll wait. Oh, I hooked up with this guy I've know for 4 years. Ford, yeah, at my sister's friend's hotel party.....in the bathroom. FML Tragic.

Bad Romance

As I laid wrapped up in someone else's arms I was texting him. Expressing myself which is the tragedy of my life. What is the point of me expressing my love to a guy who only wants sex? I don't know. I have fallen into the same trap. As memories of Eric play in my mind, I think, I DON'T WANNA MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE. My God forgive me. I have actually been going crazy over this guy. Well I've known him for about 3 years now. He is soooooo fly. Yeah he is. We'll just call him Mikey for short :)

So he used always try to be in a relationship. Knowing little ole me, I always refuse "permanent" connections. I guess I'm a fling type girl? not really. But anyways, I have always like him. I just wanna post pics of us together on Facebook and Twitter lol the perfect social network couple. AWESOME!

Well he was in town a few weeks ago. Actually like right before Thanksgiving. I went to see him and I remembered that I used to like him alot. As we stood in the kitchen of his friend's condo and hugged I became lost. He was leaning against the refrigerator, I was standing in front of him. He held me, we kissed (never with tongue) and just rocked back and forth, you know. I was so in love for the moment. Prince was actually texting me while this was happening. Some things never change. Like PASSION.

So after this I was in class thinking about him and completely zoned out!! creepy right? Like my eyes closed and everything. I was completely lost in the thoughts of HIM!

(There's a moving on called Looking for Eric. Funny)


Well I texted Mikey last night
Convo:

Me: Mikey I wanna see you soon
Mikey: How soon
Me: Like 2moro, Saturday and Sunday like all 3 days lol
Mikey: word ?
Me: yea! well we prolly wont get to kick it everyday but im saying tho
Mikey: Why you in the mood outta no where
Me: Miiiikkkkeeeeyyyy. Well good question...I always try to see you tho
Mikey: You dont
Me: I be wanting to
Mikey: You coming by ya self
Me: Probably...more than likely.

dun du duunnnn

whyyyyy me? lol



Oh yea. Prince and I became friends again, I kinda fell in love then out of it. Eric is history. Yuck! What the hell was I thinking?! IDK where the hell Happy is. Anthony is trying to be in my life again. Did I tell you I cut him off completly? Larry is a father. Trey is a stranger now.

a year ago

Just last year this day in the morning I was lying in Eric's bed as he thrusted uncontrolably inbetween my legs.....I was in lust with him.....savoring every moment...I tasted his skin he tasted mines...I tasted his mouth he tasted mine...I like kissing him....at times I cring at the thought of him inside me because I know he loved her the way he loved me that night...a whole year...why does it feel like 2 why do I lie and say its been 2.....I want 2 see him...I'm clean but its funny how I ended up wearing the same underwear this morning as a wore last year...my thoughts are still as impure as ever but who's next...who will I surrender 2 now.....whomever...I will enjoy it....I won't love him though I say I only lay with those I love...its only true so far.....


And I still love him

Freedom. Does not exist

I don't blog as much as i used to. I wish i did though, because i like to come back and read about the stupid things that once interested me and does not exist in my life anymore. By me making this blog anonymous i have the freedom to speak exactly how i feel, without being ashamed. Freedom?

ok here's a story for you.

Its this guy, he used to message me on Myspace. We have mutual friends but I don't recall ever seeing him or meeting him in person. Well he's cute so i took interest. We really only talked about music and how he was "feeling me". So I naturally gave him my number. I mean we were talking over "MY" since forever.
He never called.

I really forgot about him. I mean he didn't make that much of an effort and I had a boyfriend at the time.. I think this was like a two year process. IDK..maybe just a year I can't remember.

So recently my friend was telling me about this guy that she's "talking" too. She was telling me that she like him..yada yada ya.

So we went to hang with him and his friends. Ok the guys she was talking about is like totally my type. Like she never date guys like him. She always go for the "gangster" guys.

So naturally he felt the same way...welll that i was his type...but wait theres more
sooo he was like checking me out or what not...Shit we were almosted dressed alike!! lol! No homo.

ok

but the lights went out and they made out..

Remember: I did think he was cute but I didn't "like" him. You know what I mean?

Next morning I had a message from that guy that used to send me messages along time ago...remember!?

ok

That was him the night before. He's the guy my friend "really likes"

Then I got a call from my OTHER friend she was telling me that he said he liked me he really wanted to talk to me and he didnt like my other friend, Ciara. He said he only known her 2 days. He wanted to talk to me.

My heart broke instantly for some reason.
I hated him
I wish he would have kept that to himself
then he kissed her???

He said he didnt kiss her she kissed him
HOW WEAK!!

sooo I started not to even read his message. But i did.
Maybe i'll post it here one day idk

but he told me he still liked me after i told him we could never be

BOYS R SO STUPID...I SWEAR

I didnt tell Ciara...for what?
Its wont change how he feels or how I feel

but maybe i should have

since she hooked up....had SEX with him within that same week!!!
WTF

Girls are whores





Where's my freedom ?